i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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