He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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