Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
