just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My dick has a subreddit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
