He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
