You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
