he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
