Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
