if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
