I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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