remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
