I puked a lego.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
