She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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