....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
