Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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