so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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