i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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