Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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