so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
