Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
