so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
