i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm both gender and math confused
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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