she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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