A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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