I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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