dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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