just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
