I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
