hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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