I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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