The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
