Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
