i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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