Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
