I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's never too late to be topless.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
