I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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