how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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