DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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