Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
