It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
