I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
