Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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