I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
