Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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