Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
