Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
