Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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