Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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