i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
