I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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