Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
