my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
